Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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