Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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