She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
