I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
