When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
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As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
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I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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