like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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