I smell stomach acid.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
