dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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