So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
