VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can't put those talents on a resume
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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