There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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