just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
