So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
