When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
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I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
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you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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