No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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