Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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