You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
