You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
