laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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