i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
