I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
