Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
