Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
