LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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