At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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