Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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