my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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