If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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