I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
