I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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