Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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