just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
