If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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