I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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