Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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