You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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