How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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