How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
