Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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