I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
