my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
