man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
