I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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