a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
