did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
