Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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