Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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