Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
