The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
