I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
