i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
