eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
