and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
