someone get that fucking seahorse.
Someone shit on the floor
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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