i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
