I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
