Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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